My dear,
I am writing to you from my slightly messy living room in Heemskerk. The birds in the windowsill are silent for once, Buster lies stretched out on the puppy pad I bought him for the journey towards Wales. Mundane household noises provided by the dishwasher and washing machine, together with the soft ticking of rain against the window, make a pleasant white noise background.
However, my inner system does not mirror its calm surroundings. I can feel restlessness and shallow anxiety buzzing underneath my skin, but a playful excitement as well. Optimism be found in the corners of my mouth. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. Buster scared me half to death with a possible tumor in his abdomen (he is fine! An ultrasound proofed that he is fine!!), my grandfather is in hospital and the move to Wales suddenly seems very real, and, very soon. I am not surprised by the unease in my body, for change always needs time to settle in. Yet here I am, writing to you in a way that I had not planned at all.
What’s in a name?
See, I had this whole idea about my first blogpost. The title was supposed to be “What’s in a name?” and I was going to write about the contradiction of my equal love and hate for water, about how it might seem silly to name my website “catching waves”. I have these anecdotes about being pushed in the water by the captain of the boat at age 15 and everyone hearing me curse through my snorkels (that was the first and last time I’ll ever go on a diving holiday) and one that involves baby-me biting my mum out of sheer fear during the first time she took me swimming. Then there would have been a light-hearted and fun explanation about how I think that water is the perfect analogy for describing feelings and emotions.
However, I never managed to write this version of my first blogpost like I intended. Because the truth is that my heart feels a little heavier the last couple of weeks and I don’t feel like writing funny stories at all. Instead, I decided to come as I am, let the feelings be what they are and write from the heart. And funnily enough, that’s exactly what I mean by catching waves.
So how does a water-fearing creature like myself end up with “catch that wave!” as a catchphrase?
To me, water, especially the sea, is a perfect metaphor for feeling feelings and living life. A couple of years ago, my aunt and I decided to start a project. A project about having a closer look at our feelings and emotions, how to use those as a guide through life. At the time, I just finished and intense PTSD procedure and was rediscovering emotions, other than the well-known state of fear I was living in those years before. After the PTSD no longer had a hold on me, there was suddenly so much more room for anger. Mixed with love. Some jealousy, too. And dare I say, even happiness. Plus a thousand others.
These feelings and emotions were intense and overwhelming, and I had no clue about how to deal with them. I ended up with more therapy, as well as with this wonderful project with my aunt. We named it “catch that wave – a dive in feelings and emotions”, for water is as diverse, elusive, and powerful as feelings and emotions can be.
Catching waves, first edition.
We created a safe place to explore our feelings and emotions, diving deep, following where each ‘wave’ would take us. We listened to podcasts, watched video’s, attended conferences, read and used ‘de emotie encyclopedie – gevoelens als navigatiesysteem naar een gelukkig leven’, written by Vera Helleman. Most importantly, we used concrete examples from our day to day lives to practice and develop our reactions to emotions and finetune feeling them. This has not only led me to being mentally more confident and stable, but also to a sense of satisfaction. A deeper connection to me and those around me. Generally feeling more alive and stronger. 10/10 would recommend 😉
So, there you have it. My first blogpost. Hello, world. It’s me, catching a wave. It’s not always fun, not always easy, but this is life. Right now, I feel like I am waist deep in cold, dark, and turbulent waters. I can still see the beach behind me, and the skies overhead are blue. I am not panicking, but I am not comfortable either. There is so much to do, so much to figure out, before I leave next Wednesday. My family must find a new equilibrium. But it is A-Okay, baby. It truly is. Just stay present with what is. Tomorrow will come no matter what. And I am looking forward to what is yet to come.
What is a metaphor you like to use?
With love,
Karen + Buster
PS. Because of the ultrasound Buster has a very silly looking, crookedly shaven belly. It’s adorable.
