New Year, New Moon, New Start

Hi there, and a very Blwyddyn Newydd Dda to you, dear reader. (It means Happy New Year, promise. Just don’t ask me to pronounce it.)

I was almost too embarrassed to write again. Almost. See, I started this blog with the idea that I would write weekly. Then it became monthly. And now, somehow, December has passed and the New Year has begun, without a new blogpost. How did that happen?! But here we are. A new year, a blank page and so, so many exciting possibilities ahead of us, waiting to unfold.

How is 2022 treating you so far? I hope your holidays are spent in good company. Mine were. Even though this Christmas was not like any other Christmases before, as I was on call instead of spending time with my family. Christmas day I spend with the on call team having a lovely Christmas dinner, that apparently is custom to enjoy around lunch time instead of actual dinnertime in Wales. On Boxing day my family and I found new ways to connect, which I thoroughly enjoyed! We had a very long Skype session, sometimes interrupted by me getting a phone call, but mostly we hung out whilst they played games and started cooking. There is something so comforting about hearing them, even if we don’t interact directly. I love the sounds of home.

Connecting with home.. I even joined in playing games! And a short ‘in action’ moment whilst I was finishing up at the practice after I got called out.

Remember December?

So what have I been up to in December, before Christmas? Well, after my week in London I fell straight into an on call weekend, where I had the phone on me for the first time. It was incredibly stressful and absolutely exhausting. I wish I could say ‘oh it was fine, it wasn’t too bad’, but that would be lying. Don’t ask me how I muscled through the week after because I can’t recall, but I remember waking up on Saturday afternoon at 16.00h. And I was back in bed before 22.00h because I was just that tired.

I did not have time to process my week in London (which I loved by the way, it was brilliant meeting other New Grads!) and no time to prepare for my on call weekend, nor time to process that. The next couple of weeks I felt rubbish, like all I did was sleep and work and yet my progress at work was not enough, I was not enough. Towards the end of the second or third week I had a bit of an eye opener why I felt the way I felt. Sure, exhaustion was one of the reasons, and sure, being a New Grad in a foreign country whilst losing two family members IS a lot. But everything felt like an excuse. Because, there’s always going to be something, right? There is always an external factor, an excuse of some sort. It was just not cutting it.

Being painfully honest with myself (and now with you too)

So, instead of looking externally, I turned inwards. And let me tell you this: it is uncomfortable and painful and embarrassing at times, too. Although I like to think I’ve had some practice with reflecting on myself and am usually quite good at figuring it out on my own, I needed help from outside for this one. It wasn’t until after a rather ego bruising conversation at work, that led to a rather tearful phone call with my best friend, that I was able to see what was going on. Truth be told, my first reaction was not a relieved “Yay, now I know what’s wrong so I can fix it, great!!”. Instead, it was a rather perplexed, and then frustrated “Oh. Oh, shit. How the frick did this happen? I thought I fixed this a long time ago, what kinda bullcrap is this?! How did I miss this??”

See, sometimes life works like that. What I came across was nothing new. And it was probably very obvious to everyone around me. But I did not see it, I did not actively notice it. And what it was? It was me. Being horrible to myself. That’s all, that’s it. It’s an old coping mechanism from when I was a little kid. Whenever I got bullied or had to go through something that I found hard, I turned to myself and bullied myself into doing the thing, into surviving the day. Because, if I was horrible to myself first, it hurt less when others were horrible to me. And fear is a powerful tool to get things done. It is what got me through primary school and the lions share of secondary. In my late teens I started working on it. Yes, it is a way to get things done. But it also makes life a lot less fun and much darker. And it drains all the energy right out of you. Because you’re never enough. I was never enough. No wonder I felt like rubbish.

The good thing about having worked on it before is that you now already have some tricks up your sleeve, some know-how that will help you change it around. So that’s what I am doing right now. Being aware of the problem is half of it. The other half is actively choosing not to listen to that harsh voice, replacing it with a much kinder voice. Telling myself that I’m doing a good job, celebrating the small wins (and the big ones!), taking proper care of myself.

Okay, there are some external factors I can work on, too.

So I’m internally working on the feeling that whispers (sometimes screams) “you’re not enough”, but the other part of the problem is I felt like all I did was sleep and work. Because that is the case. I don’t have much of a life outside of work, yet. Most nights I curl up on the couch with a book, phone a friend or watch telly, until it’s time to go to bed. Very cozy with Buster, I must admit, especially when it’s cold and dark outside on these winter nights. But it would be nice, and good for me, to have some other things outside of work. Make more of an effort to connect with people.

Exploring takes me to stunning places. This is Mynydd Parys, Anglesey.

I have applied for harp lessons as well that I’m looking into yoga class. In the weekends I’m forcing myself to go out exploring, even if I don’t really feel like it. I’ve never come back from a walk feeling worse 🙂 Moving towards a less isolated area will hopefully work in my favor as well. John and Sarah are amazingly sweet and caring people, and I am so lucky to have them in my life, but it takes at least 20 minutes to get well, anywhere to be honest. Secretly, I hope it is a side effect of moving to a different country on your own. It makes sense, right? You don’t have friends straight away, and your old ones are in the place you left. It takes time to build up a new social life.

Some views from my first proper walk of the year! This is northern coastline of Anglesey

New Year, New Moon, New Start

The start of this new year coincides with a new moon (January 1st-3rd), which is weirdly satisfying to me. Some like to work with moon phases: when there is a new moon you can make wishes, set intentions and focus on goals you’d like to reach, whilst with a full moon you reflect on the progress and what you don’t want/need anymore. And there’s more in between, but I just like the idea of having two set moments in a month in which you reflect on where you are; focus on what you’d like to gain or work towards with the new moon and think about what you may let go with the full moon. Sometimes I write it down, more often it’s just a quiet moment of answering the respective question when I look up to the night sky.

So yes, new year, new moon, new start seems fitting to me. The year ahead of us is full of opportunities and possibilities. Everything still unwritten, the best time to think about what we’d like to happen and how to make it so. Myself? I’d like to steer away from the anxiety ridden thoughts and focus more on what I’d truly like to do. Work less from the head, more from the heart. Less what I think I have to do, more of what I’d like to do. Be more conscious about how I handle things. (Because we can’t avoid all responsibilities, but we can choose how we handle them).

I’m also very excited about the 30 days of yoga from Yoga With Adriene, which gets me through each January since 2019. Would you like to join me and the YWA community? I’d love to share this yoga journey with you, and it’s free. Win.