Hello lovely,
How are you?
Are you snuggled up, with a cup of tea and a four legged companion near your feet, like I am?
It is Monday evening. Yet another autumn evening with the rain tapping against the windows of the static caravan I’m staying in. I’ve brushed my teeth, put on my PJ’s and am ready to go to bed before it’s even 10 PM. Although I could use the extra hour of sleep, I am enjoying this quiet moment of reflection too much to get of the sofa. It is nice to sit still and listen to the silence, to the things around me, knowing this silence won’t be broken unless I turn on the TV or the music. A new found appreciation after a weekend ‘on call’.
On call?
I still feel a little on edge, expecting the phone to ring, the silence to be broken. It’s funny because when I am on call I usually don’t notice this tension and I wouldn’t say I feel stressed in those moments. But I definitely can feel the slight tightening in my jaw muscles, a certain alertness in my body. I’m telling myself it’s okay to let go of that now, I can truly sleep without a chance of having to get up in the middle of the night.
And if I am being honest, I was not even truly on call. As in; I was not in sole charge. I wasn’t even picking up the phone, except for my colleagues who’d ring me once they’d got the call and spoken to the clients. (Thank goodness I might add, because I feel not prepared for that yet – it will come soon enough.)
My mentor sister and her challenges for me
Part of the New Grad Program is the fact that I have a mentor. And I am so glad for it. My mentor is such a lovely, helpful veterinarian and wonderful person. I can talk to her about anything. She checks in on me regularly and we talk about my learning goals.
She has taken it upon herself to send me texts with ‘challenges’ every now and again, the last one being over the weekend. It was a two parted question; the first being ‘think of a way one of your starting goals might have changed/been reworked since beginning the job and why?’. The second is: “try and think of a habit over the weekend over the weekend that you can use in the future to ensure hat in an on call weekend you can feel like you are able to have something non worky/you time that is easy to incorporate. E.g. a chill vibesplaylist for journeys in the van, a skin care routine for dry winterhands, etc.”
Saturday the 9th of October, 04.00h.
I did not answer her questions. After writing on Monday evening I crashed into bed. I was “on call” again on Tuesday, after a hellish day on work. Wednesday was uneventful but I still felt paper thin from Tuesday. On Thursday I received a phone call from my sister in the middle of consulting. My granddad was in a lot of pain and in a bad shape; the pastor was on his way to bless him and they were going to give him an IV with meds to basically induce a coma so he could pass away peacefully. I finished another two consults, then I went upstairs so I could videochat and be “with” my family. It was strangely intimate and I am eternally grateful that I could be part of it.
Don’t be fooled
I had a breakdown in Tesco’s petrol station when I couldn’t get the cap off the tank for a solid 20 minutes. At least five cars fueled up next to me before a kind lady asked if I was okay (at this point I was begging the car in Dutch to let me fuel up and go home). She was probably a bit shocked when I burst out in tears, bless her. I made a mental note to be a bit more like her. Ask when you think someone is struggling, be kind. Because a small act of kindness can make a huge difference.
I don’t even know how I managed to make it through yesterday. I am astonished by my own resilience. Not only did I go to work, I castrated calves for the first time (whilst they were standing up and not under general anaesthesia), did quite well during a bitch spey, started a dental and drilled a molar for the first time, did some more consulting (and made some decisions on my own, still creepy AF). Those are still Big Things in my mind. After all that, I stayed to watch an emergency surgery to fix a GVD (twisted stomach) in a German Pointer, because I am slightly crazy and thought it would be good for my education.
After that, my mum phoned me that Opa had passed away peacefully. I dropped my mentor a text and went over to hers for a cup of tea and a hug.
You guys, I am properly struggling this week. Even with the nicest people around me (they hug me, feed me, buy me flowers) and in the most beautiful place.
So yeah, I am writing to you at 4 AM.
When I am struggling, one of the first things that goes is a proper night’s sleep. I tend to sleep lightly or dream or wake up in the middle of the night. Apparently it’s best to stay in bed according to various articles online, but if it’s bad I’ll get up. It is how I cope. I get up and do the dishes or clean the house. I listen to music and dance. Sometimes I bake cakes at 3 AM (sorry, neighbours). I need to do something with my hands, so my brain can’t play its mindgames to the fullest.
This time my brain went to relive/dream about a dog that I brought in this morning. I forgot to ask a few questions to the owner. No major questions, surgery went fine, he is already back home. But my brain wouldn’t let it go. It happened earlier this week as well, when a complicated case I saw Friday a week ago and last Tuesday and Wednesday got under my skin.
What does it mean?
I am uncomfortable with the things I could be doing better, the things I not know (yet). Not necessarily with being imperfect. By all means, I nowhere near perfect and I do not even want to be perfect. I tried to be perfect in the past and it costed me way too much energy and mental health so I have abandoned that ship a few years ago. But I do worry I miss something important, that will lead to a Big Mistake.
I probably should not have taken that patient in the way I was feeling this morning. My head was not in the game at all at that point and I should have read through the form properly before taking him in. But that is life, isn’t it? It gets busy and you do things in suboptimal conditions and you make tiny errors even though you’re doing the best you can because you’re human.
Is it truly about work or is there something deeper going on?
I am not convinced I am truly worrying that much about a patient that is happy and back home. I recognize this pattern, I have seen it before. My brain will hyperfocus on a problem like stressing about uni or worrying about a case, whilst there is something deeper going on. Something in my subconscious that has not shown itself yet. Maybe feelings I am (unintentionally) avoiding.
Dag lieve Opa
My hunch is that I am struggling about losing my granddad. It feels different than Oma’s passing four weeks ago. There is no beautiful goodbye, no conscious last time I spoke to him. The last words I remember hearing from him were just after Oma’s death. I said something stupid like “I am happy she was surrounded by all of you and passed away so peacefully” (because I hopelessly, desperately wanted to make him feel even a little bit better) and he answered in a grief- and cancer-broken voice: “Yes. But I had to leave my love behind.”
I know we have spoken afterwards, but I can’t hear his exact words. I feel I wasn’t there enough, I should have put in more effort. The card I wrote him over the weekend did not arrive in time.
And it just does not make sense to me. It does not add up in my brain. In a weird way, it did with Oma. Medically, she had a very acute condition so even though it was very sad and unexpected that she passed away, it made sense. This does not. Cancer should not spread so quickly. He was not even a week in hospice. There was supposed to be more time. I was supposed to have more time, more chances to be there, tell him I love him. I know he knew, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t make sense, it almost does not feel real. Almost.
I’ll be home soon
I’ll be flying home for the funeral and be with and hug my family next Wednesday. I need it. I do. This goodbye is necessary.
Like I said before, I am stretched paper thin. I need to prioritize myself in the next few days, before there is nothing left to give. To do that at work is the biggest challenge, but luckily I have the weekend to get a head start.
What about you? Do you prioritize yourself enough? In what ways do you take care of yourself?
From my heart to yours,
Liefs,
Karen+Buster
PS. Buster has no problems settling in at all. The cheeky bugger loves exploring his new home and snuggling up on the sofa.
