… when you just moved countries and started a new job!
Hello my dear, how are you?
It has been a while. But we’re here now. On the go, go, go.
This time I’m writing to you from a hotel room in London. Quite a luxurious room, I might add. I have exchanged always stunning, rural Welsh views for the hustle and bustle of this big city. I’m on a week long training focussed on small animal veterinary medicine for new grads, provided by my employer. This week I will brush up (and in my case mostly gain) some clinical skills, including dentistry and emergency and critical care, and meet fellow veterinarians who have graduated in the last year. I feel very priviliged!
I have got an hour to spare because I actually managed to arrive early and did not get hopelessly lost. Yes, I am surprised as well. So I thought to give a brief summary of what has been going on since I last wrote to you:
Opa’s cremation
I wrote the eulogy for my grandfather at the airport. The whole week between my grandfather passing away I tried to come up with something, anything, but the words just did not come. However, I was so grateful that I was able to fly home and be with my family to say goodbye to my grandpa together. It was a sad, beautiful, heartfelt experience. A true emotional rollercoaster. But it was so nice to hold and to be held by my family, to cry together, to remember together, to figure things out together. There is so much love and fortitude to be found in those moments. Whenever I feel a wave of sadness and grief coming up, I have those memories offering me some solace simultaneously.
And I was able to bring some things back to the UK as well. A necklace and scarf from my grandma, a sweater from my grandpa. Something to hold, to wrap myself in. Materialistic things to keep them with me for a little longer. It helps with both processing the loss and finding comfort. You see, I love remembering. Joy and sadness live together whenever I think of them. They have been such caring, thoughtful, selfless, loving grandparents. I have so many happy memories from my childhood and time I spend with them. They deserve to be remembered.
Work, work, work. And some self-care.
Of course work doesn’t stop. Do I dare say that I’m slowly getting used to the place? I might do. Don’t get me wrong, every day I do at least one thing I have never done before. There are so many firsts. My first dog castration, my first solo farm call, my first conversation advising about sheep lameness, my first time stitching up a cow, my first time having the phone on my whilst on call.. And that’s just the last four days.
But not exactly knowing what I’m supposed to do or say doesn’t feel so overwhelming anymore, or at least not the whole bloody time. There are tiny moments where I know what to do or where I am actually able to answer a question or feel useful helping someone out. After a rocky period of managing grief, severely bruised ankles (that happened on my first proper walk on the mainland, typical) and taking in so many new experiences, I feel like I can finally say that, slowly, I am settling in.
Looking at this picture still hurts.
The next couple of months I will focus on continuing to build up my knowledge of course, but also on becoming more independent. Back to trusting myself and relying on myself more. I will have the back up where needed, but it’s time to step it up a little and take control. I have been relying on other vets a lot, more than I probably need to. And whilst that is nice and with the best intentions (from both sides), it also keeps me small. It makes me feel like a toddler looking up at its mum with both hands reached out. ‘Up, up! Carry me, lift me, because I’m a toddler and I am small and the world is big and scary.’ But I’m not a toddler. I am not small. I can up myself. Time to start believing in myself.
Breathe in, breathe out. I am capable.
(Yes, that is also what I wrote on two sticky notes for my first night having the on call phone.)
My first visitor!
In happier, non-stressful news: I’ve had my first visitor from Holland over! Tinka arrived on Friday and she left with a friend on Wednesday. I only had the long weekend off, so Tuesday was a bit chaotic with her friend coming to stay over whilst I was on call as well, but we managed. The weekend was glorious. Stunning.
Saturday we got up bright and early and climbed up Snowdon. Well, Tinka climbed up. I crawled and struggled and somehow made it to the top. Three days later my muscles were still sore (I wish I was joking about it). Embarrassing, really. However, the views were stunning and I felt alive, so happy. I have the biggest smile on my face thinking about it. It was also a bit of a wake up call that my condition is shockingly lacking and I should prioritize working out in the next couple of weeks. Upwards and onwards we go!
The Sunday some of us really needed to recover from our adventure on Saturday, so one of us stayed in to read a book whilst the other went out for a hike in the morning, and we both went to Penmon Point and Beaumaris in the afternoon. Penmon point was so calm and peaceful. Absolutely stunning. Magical, even.
On Monday we decided to chase the bluest bits of sky to the northwest on the island for a beach walk with a coffee break and sniff around the lifeboat house in between.
And that wraps it up. For now.
The rest of the week I tried to recover from a lack of sleep on Tuesday and find my mojo in work again, with mixed results. And now we’re here. In a hotel room in London, excited for what the week will bring in terms of knowledge, skills and meeting likeminded people, and hopeful that I have some time to reflect as well. I never realized it as such, but I think reflecting and looking back are a big part of letting go. And we need to let go to be able to grow, to make room and space for better, more suitable things.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I’ll be in touch soon again.
Liefs,
Karen+Buster
PS. Buster has no problems with me being poorly at all. On the contrary, he quite enjoys all the TLC time I spend with him!
